Picking Up

I've looked over the last several blogs I've had over the past many years. I've had a xanga, a blogger or two, and more. I never maintain more than a few months, and then I drop off, either completely or at least a few years. It seems I'm at least consistent in my inconsistency.

Now, I'm having trouble writing. I don't have the discipline much of the time. I have to wonder if I'll ever have the discipline to really be a writer. I get sidetracked. By life. By entertainment. By my own laziness. (For instance, i just stopped writing this for an hour to fit in an episode of Firefly. Why? Because I like it, and it's not at all productive!) I left school in part because I missed having the time to write, and then I do what instead? Watch all of the new Battlestar Galactica from beginning to end. Catch up on the books I've bought but not yet read. Play video games. Take up dancing.

Of course, dancing has been wonderful. James and I have for the last few months joined Lisa and Karen in taking regular trips to Macon for Blues dancing. We have met amazingly wonderful people, and we've been making it a point to visit with them often. So every weekend we are either dancing or hanging out with new friends or reconnecting with old friends. I often feel there's not enough time to see everyone we want to. It's been months since we've seen Laura and Michael or Rose! And they all live right here in town. But it's been lovely to meet new people who we connect with and with whom we have so much in common.

Then there's taking care of the house, cleaning, cooking, etc. I always thought staying at home would give me just tons of extra time, but every day I find something that needs to be done around or for the house beyond the daily chores. There's scrubbing the bathroom, vacuuming, grocery shopping, windows, laundry, etc.

Also, let's not forget the ever exciting job search. Going on a year, I haven't had a job aside from the 6-week stint as campaign manager for a U.S. Congressional campaign last summer. So I spend a good number of hours looking for appropriate and available jobs, which are unsurprisingly hard to come by. When I have finally gotten any positive interest, meaning any response at all, almost every job has told me I'm "overqualified" for the job I'm applying to. They never figure that the reason I'm applying to a job that is not exactly along my career path, might be because nothing requiring my education or skills is currently available to me. It's a frustrating day in and day out battle, and it's a constant struggle to avoid getting too discouraged by the whole process. Thus it takes a good deal of time out of my days and the growing frustration makes writing less than desirable some times.

In truth, however, when it comes down to it I have no real excuse why I'm not writing. Even with everything I do to fill up my time and keep busy, I can always make time to write. I think it's been mostly the frustrations of feeling I'm not providing enough support for James. I do my best to keep the house happy and livable, and I do a pretty good job at it, if I do say so myself. I'm becoming quite a good cook, the house stays pretty presentable, and James always has a nice place to come home to. But I feel like I should be doing more. We have a bit of debt, and while we have a solid plan to pay that down while simultaneously saving, I'd like to do it more aggressively. However, in order to do that, I'd have to have some sort of income to contribute.

It doesn't seem to be coming. And the longer I go in this job hunt without anything to show for it, the more frustrated and guilty I become. Why should I spend my time writing when I could use that time to apply to some more jobs?

For my sanity, though, I have been trying to set aside more time to devote specifically to writing. Now that the weather has improved, I've taken to going to the park a few times a week with a blanket and a notebook. I've written more in the past week than I have since NaNoWriMo in November. Hopefully in the next few weeks I can get to the halfway point of this novel, and then I'll allow myself to sketch out some other ideas. I can't start writing them until I finish at least one draft of this one, but I think having other projects to work on will encourage my creativity and assuage that part of me that needs to procrastinate.

So that's that. Get cracking on this novel, restore my confidence, find a job, and continue enjoying the wonderful people in my life. No problem.