Two Points for Honesty

Too many days lately I just don't want to even get out of bed. When I finally do, I lack all motivation to actually accomplish anything. It's all seemed so pointless and requiring too much effort with almost no payout. No one's interested in reading what I have to say. Freelance work seems to be drying up even before I get to it. I'm bringing in almost nothing; my monetary contributions barely cover half of a single bill.

It's been over a year since I had a steady paying job. And that was a contract position, so I didn't really bring in any money. I made just over $2000 in six weeks as a campaign manager for an underfunded congressional bid. Before that I waited tables for six months to help pay for the wedding, and before that I made $12 an hour as an administrative supervisor. That was my last real job, and that was done in December of 2009. It's understandable to see how a person could grow a bit demoralized.

Things don't seem to be getting easier, either. With over 9% declared unemployment, I'm in good company. And those numbers are understated. For instance, I don't count. I'm getting freelance work, so I'm self-employed. The PhD serving you beers doesn't count either; she has a paycheck of $0 every two weeks as taxes are taken out of her measly $3/hr salary. The stay at home mom and the housewife don't count, because they chose to take themselves out of the job market and settle into home life. The employment population ratio has dropped 5% in the past three years down to 58%. That means 5% less of the population able to work is actually currently employed.

It's hard. Everyone's struggling. Too many of us look at each paycheck and almost every cent of it has already been allocated to paying bills, paying for the necessities, getting by. There's little to nothing to save, to get ahead, to pay down debt and plan for the future. Forget the future. Let's just make it through the end of the year.

And we try. We take every little extra job that comes along, no matter how demoralizing it is to shill for horrible products or advise others about the next great ideas in entrepreneurship when we can barely get a job or afford those same awful products ourselves. It's something, right? Even then, after staying up late finishing those articles that need to be done RIGHT NOW, after cleaning the house, scrubbing the bathroom, bidding on seven new projects, applying to ten new jobs, exercised and eaten right, writing for my own novel, it still feels like I've accomplished nothing. I'm just treading water, because nothing is bringing in any money or moving me forward.

It's hard. To stay motivated. To get through searching for the next job. To get rejection after rejection no matter how many projects I bid on. To have resumes still go unremarked upon. To be underbid for that editing job by someone who barely speaks English but had the right price. To bleach the bathroom a few times each week but still have mold come back because the apartment was built shoddily. To not lose any weight despite cutting back on portion sizes and processed or fast food. To find that new chapter still doesn't feel right after rewriting it three times. To feel like I'm getting nowhere.

Like I told my wonderful husband today when I just couldn't bring myself to get out of bed: I'm torn between screaming at the top of my lungs in frustration or crying into a pillow in despair. How do I move past this? I keep plugging away, keep logging the hours, and writing the words, but dammit if this isn't hard.