A Writer's Confession

Seriously, what is wrong with me?

I have all the time in the world. I have ideas and outlines. I have a story. I even know what words I want on the page next.

But I'm not writing.

It's worse than that. I can't even bring myself to open the document that houses the work I've done. It's like I'm paralyzed.

And I don't understand it.

I left grad school in part because it was taking me away from some of the things I wanted to do, namely writing. (Rest assured there were very many other reasons, not least of which was the lack of support and guidance within my department.) But it's been two years, and I have a little over 52,000 words? Almost every single one of those useless words was written during National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) this year. (I wrote close to 30,000 words last NaNoWriMo, but I've either thrown them out or recycled them in this year's rewrite of last year's novel). Maybe it was the structure, or the deadline, or the accountability to something bigger than me, but the NaNoWriMo project spurred me to do what eleven months of the year cannot.

What have I written since then? The beginning of a chapter. Six times. The same chapter. Every time I sit down to write (in a notebook with a colorful pen, because I still can't bring myself to open my novel file), I feel I have a better way to start the chapter, or I doubt too much the previous attempt, or I just feel it's easier to start again and capitalize on my momentum into the middle of the chapter. The middle never comes.

I give up. I stop writing. I avoid it like the plague.

What's wrong with me?

I can't even really call it writer's ("writers' "? "writers"?) block, because I know what comes next. I'm just not writing it.

Maybe it's fear. Fear that finishing the novel will mean having to begin the rewriting/editing process? No, it can't be that, because I love editing. Fear that I will eventually have to show people the novel? No, because Daniel has been reading it all along in its incredibly rough and unfinished state. Fear that I'll have to send it out to agents and publishers and get rejected? Doubt it. After the demoralizing job search of the past, oh, nine months, I think I'm getting pretty damn used to rejection.

Why? Why can't I just write?

It's not that I dislike writing. I love it! It's easily one of my favorite things in the world. The feel of creation, of stringing together thoughts to manufacture something new, is exhilarating! I even love the hard part of finding that perfectly elusive word that completes the most nuanced though. Of balancing clauses. Of combing through for mistakes. Of taking a single sentence or paragraph and molding it, shaping it with tones and voice, and just making it fit more perfectly on the page.

But I'm just not writing lately, and it's killing me.

The funny thing is, though, since I began writing this little blog post, I've actually opened my novel file. I've actually contemplated writing in that rather than finish writing this confession. Maybe I just have a pathological inability to finish things.

Might explain leaving grad school before I got my PhD.

Nah, that's too harsh on myself. Even for me. And I love to beat up on myself! (Too fat. Not talented. Lazy. Not smart enough. Seriously stupid thoughts fill my head all the time, but I figure that's just natural.)

Any suggestions on how to actually write again? I'm going to try tonight, and maybe I'll succeed. Rest assured, though, I will go through this same struggle tomorrow and the next day. I would love to know any tricks anybody else uses for getting through this kind of struggle.

Frivolity of Hair Color Addictions

Note: Last post was so serious and political and such, and now I post on something completely trivial. Such is the state of my mind. Feel free to not read. I just feel like typing. :)

I think I've developed the redhead sickness. I'm addicted to getting my hair that perfect shade of red. Nothing seems bright or true enough without crossing into cartoon/comic villain land.

You see, naturally, I'm a blondish brown. It's a color declared "Ash blonde" or "Honey Wheat" on haircolor boxes. It's where blondes insist I'm a brunette, but brunettes refuse to acknowledge me as anything but a blonde. Suffice it to say, it's a very English/Irish peasant girl sort of color. Bah, here's a picture:

If you could just ignore the fact that I'm a little drunk in the picture (hey, it was Dragon*Con! And I was in costume!), I think it's a really good picture of my hair. See what I mean, though? Hard to classify as blonde or brunette. Neither group will have me.

So I've given up on trying to classify myself, and joined a much more fun group: the redheads! When I went off to grad school, I decided I wanted to experiment for the first time with my hair color and started dyeing (dying?) it. First I went for as dramatic a change as I could:

That's right. I dyed my hair black. It was quite dramatic, made my green eyes pop, but really upset my mother. I only kept it for a few months, and while I had fun with it, it just didn't suit me; I'm no Dita to pull off the blonde to black. So I decided I needed to transition back to light colors, went to a stylist (at Great Clips, natch) and asked her to move me in the right direction back to my natural color. She explained that to go from black to blonde/brown would damage the heck out of my hair, and suggested I try a color in between. I thought she'd suggest a nice caramel color, but instead she asked if I'd ever considered being a redhead. I laughingly explained that my then boyfriend (now husband) loved redheads, and I'd be up to try it. So she went for a nice shiny burgundy color.

I instantly fell in love. It was dramatic, it turned heads, and it made me feel like a true Scotch Irish girl. James drooled over it, my friends insisted it was so me, I was hooked. But my mother hated.

You see, my mother is a natural redhead. Copper hair, blue eyes, freckles EVERYWHERE. She said she just wanted me to embrace my natural color and stop playing around with my hair, but I think she liked being the only redhead in the family. So I went back to my normal color. I colored it my normal color, let it grow out, chopped off any residual treated hair, and thought that was it. But I missed being a redhead.

So about two years ago, I decided I was going back to red. But this time I'd find the perfect color for me. I scoured the boxes of color, looking for the one that was closest to my mother's natural color. I figured if I'm her daughter, and I have close to her coloring, then her hair color should work best for me. I grabbed two boxes (as my hair was quite long by then) and got to work.

It was perfect. It looked so natural. People came up to me in the grocery store regularly to comment on how beautiful my hair was, how it was such a gorgeous color, and was it real? Addiction begun.

Since then, I've regularly dyed my hair red. I've experimented with a couple of brands and shades to find the best one for me (L'Oreal Superior Preference, Intense Red Copper), and even planned my dyeing schedule to get just the right amount of fade for my wedding last year. I know how much it fades and when it needs to be refreshed to have the most vibrant color for special occasions.

Now here is the addiction. Even my perfect color has started to seem not quite "red" enough. It's too copper, too auburn, too ... brown. I start thinking it's just a normal brown with hints of red. It's not really "RED". I laughed at my friend Erica when she insisted her intensely red hair was too brown for her. What was she thinking? It's the most vibrant shade of red I'd seen that was outside of a box of Crayolas or comic books. But I think I understand now. Even the brightest shades I find in the drugstore are starting to seem too bland, too muddled, too ordinary.

See the great thing about being a redhead is being unique. You stand out. Even if you're sitting quietly in a corner at a party, you draw attention. If you're quiet, at least your hair is vivacious. And everyone knows redheads are crazy, in a totally good way, of course. But if you can pass for a brunette, if your vibrant hair color has faded, you feel faded, too.

You see? It's an addiction. I'm writing about the stimulating effects of hair color, for the gods' sake! And when the vibrancy/high fades, you start thinking of how to get that next coloring/high. I'm relying on my husband to keep me from crossing over into too much of the cartoon reds, and I'm relying on my fear of damaging my hair with too many chemicals to keep me from indulging this addiction too much. But am I alone? Am I the only one (besides Erica of course) who gets addicted to the silly, superficial, easy things?

Stomach Churning Parallels

A girl I went to high school with has recently posted on her Facebook page a long and detailed screen on gay marriage. This particular friend was a bit of a wild child in high school but had a spiritual awakening a few years ago. She has since become an incredibly devout Christian, and she seems happier in her life because of it. I'm very happy that she turned her life around so incredibly; she's gotten married to what seems like an incredible man, has a successful job, and recently discovered she is expecting her first child. I couldn't be more proud and happy for her.

However, with her spiritual and personal transformation has come some vehement and vociferous positions on political issues of the day. Last night she posted a series of status messages, which she later condensed into a note on gay marriage. Specifically, she has condemned gay marriage as something dangerous and inimical to the stability and morality of America. Normally, I would just ignore her posting and avoid the debate all together; few on either side do much to persuade the other side, and things just end up with everyone frustrated and nothing solved. Handing me scripture will do little to persuade me away from my position on equality and tolerance, and the social and medical statistics she brought up in her argument to explain why any homosexual relationship is inherently unstable and dangerous are countered by mounds of research, which she will likely discount.

So, in short, I wasn't much surprised to see her post her ideas on the issue, nor was I much surprised by the manner in which she defended her view (very respectfully and with much care to avoid bigotry as she understands it). She brings up the common arguments that so many on that side of the debate do: mother and father needed for a "stable" family, stronger childrearing in a traditional family, social order through monogamy, etc. However, I was surprised when I got to the following paragraph:

The law has already made several arguments in favor of marriage as solely between one man and one woman, generally because it recognizes that marriage is the most stable relationship for child rearing and therefore furthering the generations. Additionally, there is no legal “right” for homosexuals to marry anywhere in the Constitution, nor is it discriminatory. This is because homosexuals are not denied the right to marry, in fact, the can marry the same as anyone else in society, which is to say they can marry someone of the opposite sex. They are denied the right to marry someone of the same-sex, but this is not discriminatory, because everyone is denied this. This provision is extended to everyone in society equally. Consider a man who wishes to marry his sister. This privilege is denied to him because the law prohibits incest. But he cannot claim discrimination, because incest is prohibited for everyone. There is no special provision that discriminates against him; instead he is claiming a new right in contrast to the laws already approved by the whole society. And society is lawful in denying him his right to marry his sister.

This argument seems uneasily familiar. Let's try replacing some words to slightly alter the subject but not the object of the paragraph:

The law has already made several arguments in favor of marriage as solely between a man and woman of the same race, generally because it recognizes that marriage is the most stable relationship for child rearing and therefore furthering the generations. Additionally, there is no legal “right” for people of different races to marry anywhere in the Constitution, nor is it discriminatory. This is because individuals of different races are not denied the right to marry, in fact, the can marry the same as anyone else in society, which is to say they can marry someone of the same race. They are denied the right to marry someone of a different race, but this is not discriminatory, because everyone is denied this. This provision is extended to everyone in society equally. Consider a man who wishes to marry his sister. This privilege is denied to him because the law prohibits incest. But he cannot claim discrimination, because incest is prohibited for everyone. There is no special provision that discriminates against him; instead he is claiming a new right in contrast to the laws already approved by the whole society. And society is lawful in denying him his right to marry his sister.

I am a bit naive, because I thought this vein of thinking was mostly dying out in the younger generations. Some may still cling to a notion that separate can still be equal, but surely, we had learned the lesson of our parents. Surely this line of thought wouldn't carry over into the gay marriage debate.

But then I discovered I'm even more naive to think we had gotten through the worst of it when it even comes to race. Apparently there are almost as many people who want to outlaw interracial marriage again as those want to keep gay marriage illegal. A recent study in Mississippi shows that 46% of Republicans polled believe interracial marriage should be illegal. (The numbers for non-Republicans has yet to be released, but I worry the numbers might not be terribly different.)

I don't even know how to react to this. Disgust. Outrage. Denial. Devastation. Bewilderment. All have passed through my mind just writing this post. The other day I remarked to a friend about some backwards people having a problem with my happy and wonderful marriage, and she was bewildered as to why anyone could have a problem with me and James being married. James had to speak up and remind her that he was black and I white. My friend's reaction SHOULD be the norm. Why would anyone have a problem with anyone else being married to anyone else?

My Christian friend posted on her Facebook that it becomes her problem "because then my children will be taught in schools that marriage is between any people that love each other. And I don't value that. I don't agree." I wonder, does she a difference in these people in Mississippi explaining to their children that our president is neither black nor white but both? Does she have the same problem? The arguments share the same base, and have historically used the same arguments. They share stomach churning parallels, and it seems we've made little progress on either.

I just don't understand. I am at an utter, utter loss. I cannot comprehend the thinking that--no matter how much they protest it--is bigoted and full of ignorance that ACTIVELY resists knowledge. My god, my stomach churns.

Steampunk Parade: Final Act

Final costume in the steampunk parade! The last thing I will work on in my many steampunk costumes is the Adventurer. Everyone needs to have at least one costume true to the innovative explorer motif that runs through most steampunk novels. She needs to be spunky, assertive, and completely sure of herself, even in uncertain circumstances ... especially in uncertain circumstances.

So I'm going to do my final costume as an adventurer. I'm planning to use another Simplicty pattern as seen to the right. I'm probably going with the cropped saloon girl one, but not in those colors. What adventurer would be caught dead in teal and black? Likely, I'll go with a more rustic/lived in color. Again, here the fabric will depend on what I can get a good deal on, what fits the time period, and what fits within the character. In brief ... I'll let the character decide what fabrics to use for her outfit.

I plan to make an undercorset to go over the dress that fits with the costume's color palette, but it may be expendable. Corsets take more time to make, so I may skip this. In that case, I will most likely make a harness like the one below.

I like that it fits around above her waist and serves almost as an undercorset, and then fastens again above her breasts up to her neck. It has an industrial feel and will allow for the attachments an adventurer will need: lantern, watches, compass, canteen, flask, etc.

I will add either high boots or leg bands, so I can cover some of the significant skin left by the short skirt of the saloon girl dress pattern.

But the last part is my favorite, and probably the hardest to make and/pr procure. I really want an aviator cap with goggles. If my adventurer wants to accomplish anything, she'll need goggles for her constant travelling in airships. I'm most inspired by the image below.

This is my least developed character and the one I'm least excited about. However, she could be the most fun to play, so cosplay as her and writing her short story might be the most enjoyable. We'll see. What do you think?

Picture copyrights/web locations:

*Simplicity 2851

*Dr Gearhead

*I cannot find this one again, but if anyone knows where it comes from, I'll gladly give credit!

Steampunk Parade Act Three

Copyright Yaya Han

I don't have permission to use her images,

but she is one of my idols in costuming, and

I would encourage everyone to go to her site,

buy from her store, and support what she does,

because I eagerly await anything she unveils at Con.

For my third steampunk outfit, I was planning on a relatively easy costume (especially after the sewing that the lady will take!). While it will look lush and exotic (if I do it right) the costume itself is really fairly easy. This one will be an exotic madam, proprietress of a thriving business of working girls. She caters to the whims of the wealthy with her girls from around the world. She is a bit amoral at times, but she is a first rate feminist, who will capitalize on the lot she has been given in life.

See? Told you I'd develop stories for the characters. This one will be a lot of fun to play. I can see myself assuming her character all day, and possibly acquiring her girls for the business throughout Con! :)

So, the costume. I guess I can say a bit about that one. Unfortunately the pattern for this one is a bit more than the others, but I already have the fabric I want to use, so yay there! The pattern is to the right and comes from Ageless Patterns and is called the Princess gown. The descriptions say it was worn over a "plastron" blouse and a "heliotrope faille" skirt. Because my character is a might scandalous, and this is steamPUNK, I will be wearing little underneath but a corset and some lace knickers, with fishnet stockings. Of course, you won't see much of that, but it will be implied. (Sad note, I could not think of that word, but I knew a great synonym was intimated. This is what I get for reading and writing too much fantasy! Or from teaching... I choose the vocab word over the obvious one.)

For the fabric, I plan to use one of the several Chinese brocade fabrics I have been holding on to. I have a black and white with red silk screening, a pale green with darker green, and one I can't remember without going to dig it out, and seeing as I'm lazy and drinking wine on the couch while watching the newest Camelot series, which is turning out pretty good, I'll skip that one for now.

Since I'm going to use an Asian-inspired fabric for the dress, I will use steampunk elements in the accessories. I want to design a collar choker necklace with lots of beads to mimic the high necks of lots of Victorian wear, but leaves a bit of skin showing. I'll likely incorporate a few gears into this as I have available. I'll wear high buttoned up or laced up boots with my fishnets and almost assuredly a top hat with veil and feathers. If I can find a suitable pair of eyeglasses to go with it, I'll add those, but I don't see them as necessary.

Ideas? Criticisms?

Picture credits:

*yayahan.com

*Ageless Patterns

The Steampunk Parade Continues

My second costume for the steampunk parade will be a lady about town. This one will be more Victorian in inspiration than punk, and I need to develop a stronger backstory and name for this character. Who knows, maybe in the future I'll post some short stories to further develop the creative outlet in this costuming. But for now she's just a lady about town.

This costume will be very piecemeal, using several different patterns and alterations to achieve the look I want. I will start with another Simplicity pattern. This pattern was designed to take special advantage of the creativity and the DIY-ness of the steampunk community, and frankly, I rather like the basic design of the pattern. However, I'm planning to make significant changes.

First, my favorite element of it is the front fasten jacket that buttons just underneath the breasts and falls back into tails. But it needs a bit of work. The front will mostly remain the same, though I may alter the sleeves a bit. I have not decided on a fabric, but I'm thinking something lush and rich looking but that I can find for a reasonable price. Maybe I'll do it in a nice navy blue, possibly with even a bit of a sheen to it. We'll see what I can find on sale, and work around that.

I plan to alter the tails though. So far the back seems to just fall voluminously down the back of the dress. I want something more. I want a bustle like you can see to the right. This means altering the front edge of the bottom of the jacket, adding a bustle to turn it into more of a traditional polonaise than a simple jacket with tails.

Instead of the bustier from the pattern I plan to wear a full corset top underneath. I haven't decided (again) what fabric exactly I will use here. I'll choose something to compliment the fabric I choose for the jacket. Either way, I prefer the cinched full corset, best. This will give me more of the tight Victorian hourglass without disrupting too much of the ladylike feel of the full jacket and skirt.

Speaking of the skirt, I at first wanted to do a fantail or mermaid skirt, but James has mostly talked me out of that. One, it will make the bustle just a bit too much for the skirt. Two, it would betray the aesthetic of the more formal full skirt with the polonaise, and I want this to be a very regal lady costume. The fabric may be the same as my jacket, but I may choose something contrasting like above with the white and black. Ooh, that's a fun idea. Maybe do a white and black striped corset with white and black contrasting jacket and skirt... I don't know. Any ideas??

As for the accessories, I'm thinking either a cameo necklace on a ribbon or with extravagantly designed choker collar. And a hat! I don't know if I want to do a tophat with feathers as I've done in the past or attempt something a bit more extravagant. (I hope we're gathering the theme here is extravagance!)

The image to the upper left is a good example of what I would do to develop my top hat further, and would fit the outfit better. The one below is the larger more extravagant version. Of course I could do it without the single large feather and instead adorn with many small feathers, a number of silk flowers that fit the design of the dress. Or I could do something with just a fascinator. I really haven't decided yet. :)

Anyway, that's mostly the extent of my upperclass lady costume. Any ideas for a name? A backstory? Any suggestions might help me figure out more of the details for the costume. I'm starting to think new money; maybe she just married a wealthy inventor type, knows nothing about technology but thrives on the proceeds of her husband's genius. She loves to go to the opera and take transatlantic zeppelin rides, but hates what the wind up there does to her fabulous hats. Approval? :)

Picture Credits:

*recollections.biz

*Fashionable Lifestyle

*Homey Living

The Steampunk Parade

After several days of research, I've picked out several of my costume patterns for Dragon*Con this year. All of them I have planned so far are going to be Steampunk characters that I will be fleshing out more completely over the coming months. As for the designs, I promised Erica I'd lay them out in detail here, but if you're not interested, just ignore what follows. I'll be linking to the patterns I'm using as well as pictures of adjustments. I haven't chosen my fabrics yet, but those will follow soon. :)

First and foremost is the costume I am most excited about. If I complete nothing else, I will be making this fully and perfectly. I'm doing a Steampunk version of Tinkerbell.

Copyright held by ~irobert

I've wanted to do this for a while, and since I did almost no costumes last year, due to getting

married earlier in the summer, I look forward to doing something challenging. I will be using a pattern from Simplicity in a military green khaki as my base. I will use a shorter skirt and thinner straps. I plan to wear an undercorset (a variation bridging the gaps between this, this and this) over that with harness that fit back to hold up my wings.

The wings are the difficult part and will definitely take the longest to create. I have several ideas of what to try. If you saw the third link for the undercorset, you saw a version of steampunk wings. Unfortunately, those are not fairy wings in any way. They're too feathery, too bulky to be fairy wings. Tinkerbell has very light, translucent wings. But how does one make that steampunk?

Here are two images I found that are adaptable. Again they are too heavy, but replacing the substance of the wing with some lighter fabric. I like the span of the wings on the far left, but fear they're too batlike in design. The wings on the near left have the coolest mechanism at the joint, which I would happily duplicate (though I don't have the engineering ability to make them work), but the wings themselves are also too heavy while still looking insubstantial. If anyone has any clue on how to do fairy wings with a steampunk bent, I would really appreciate the help!

I'll wear either knee-high, lace-up boots or spats that extend to my knees, but on whichever I choose, I'll affix tiny bells to it, so I jingle when I walk. In addition, I think I'll add a utility belt with tools and gadgets so I can be a true "tinker." Finally, I think I will use a blonde wig with a geared and belled headdress like the one to the right.

And I think that's about it. That's my first costume: "Tinker"Bell.

Any comments will be appreciated! :)

Picture Credits:

*Deviant art

*Xevian Industries

*Flickr.com

*Adiene(Krista Holewinske) Beautiful work!